


I found love, where it wasn't supposed to be

by curly_J



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Happy Ending, M/M, Nerdy Lucas kind of, Suicide Attempt, Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:27:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22226371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curly_J/pseuds/curly_J
Summary: Lucas hasn’t planned this. It wasn’t his intention, but you cannot tell your heart what to do. So here he was. He was slowly, but surely falling in love with a person who he never thought would become important to his life.Or maybe falling in love with a bad boy wasn’t a good idea, and maybe the bad boy wasn’t as bad as he thought.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 5
Kudos: 123





	I found love, where it wasn't supposed to be

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everybody, I thought I won’t write anything anymore but I got inspired and here it is. Just so you know I did not plan it to be so long and please bear in mind that English is not my first language, so once again sorry for any mistakes or parts which you don’t understand, hope you’ll finish it anyway and like it as much as I do. Feedback and kudos are appreciated.  
> The title is taken from the song I found by Amber Run
> 
> !!!!! Warning: suicide attempt, not very explicitly described but it is written there, so please If you struggle, don’t read it and take care of yourself !!!!!!

It was the beginning of the end. Well, technically it was since today was Lucas's first last day of his last year in this school. He could not believe it. He spent so much time wandering around the halls, eating his lunches in the cafeteria with his friends and just hanging around in the common room. Those are the good memories that he still has. There are also the bad memories on which Lucas would rather forget, but they are still there. He remembers how he had spent endless hours in a library or how he had broken his leg on the football field. But the worst is how he was outed by his ex-girlfriend Mia, who of course had to break up with him by screaming on him in the hall and told everyone that he is gay. Don't get him wrong, he is happy that now he doesn't have to hide his true self, but back then it was the worst thing. The whispers, the looks, and the pranks were the worst. Lucas even stopped going to school for a while, but his friends stepped out and helped him get through it. After his return, everything went back to normal, and he was glad for it. He could not imagine going to school for 3 more years full of disrespect.

So now, here he was. _This is it_ , he thought for himself when the loudest groan escaped his mouth as soon as he entered the school ground. He was happy that it is his final year, but he was also tired, anxious and well not in the mood for school. Walking towards the tall building, he slowly but precisely searched for familiar faces in the crowd of people. He saw some old faces that he's seen passing by in the halls, he also saw some new faces of the newcomers and then he landed his gaze on the group he was looking for, his friends. The first he saw was actually Basile because he was jumping up and down next to Yann. _How can he have so much energy?_ Lucas didn't get that but smiled for himself. Next to Yann was Emma, who was furiously looking for something in her backpack and swearing. Arthur and Alexia standing just a few steps from her were laughing at her while Imane was shaking her head.

"Are you ready?" A familiar voice said and Lucas turned around. He didn't even have a chance to duck the hug. Daphné was in his personal space and she was hugging him very, but very tightly. He almost couldn't breathe but it was okay, he already knew he will miss this. They separated after a few more seconds. "Can you believe it is our last year?" She continued talking while they were heading side by side towards their friends. He only shook his head. He imagined this day sometimes, he pictured how different it would feel, but everything was still the same. Their friends noticed them walking and waved their hands in the air and started shouting at them. Lucas and Daphné looked and smiled at each other, and both of their minds probably thought the same thing, _we have the best friends in the world._

As they came closer, the group was standing in a circle shape and Lucas and Daphné were the only missing pieces to complete it. They fit perfectly and the discussion could start. All of them started talking about their summer, everyone interested to hear about the news in each other's lives and Lucas could only smile. He listened to Arthur and Alexia's road trip adventures, Imane's summer internship stories even to Basil's jokes. He had to look around and remember this because it won't be the same next year.

"Are you freaking kidding me?" Emma shouted maybe too loudly. All the heads now turned in her directions. Her mouth open and her eyes full of surprise. None of them really knew what was going on, but Lucas saw that she was staring at something. So he decided to follow her gaze and learned it wasn't something but someone. She was looking in the direction of the school gates and now he knew what surprised her. It was Eliott Demaury.

Lucas's breath got stuck in his lungs. _How is that possible?_ Lucas thought for himself while still eyeing the older boy. Yes, Eliott was older and he should have graduated last year when he was in his final year. So what was he doing here? Lucas knew Eliott, well not personally, but he knew about him. Eliott had transferred to this school 3 years ago and had a reputation. He was the kind of person you don't want to mess up with. He was the school's bad boy because of his reputation. Lucas heard the stories, how Eliott argued with the teachers on the lessons, how once he started a fight in the cafeteria or how he started a fire on the football field. He was only trouble and his looks definitely haven't helped. His darkish brown hair and pale skin were accompanied by a few piercings on his face - a septum piercing in his nose, his bottom right lip and his left eyebrow were shining from where he was walking. Eliott wasn't also stranger to tattoos, because even thou he could not see them now, he knew that the older boy has his left arm fully covered with tattoos.

Lucas realized that now almost everybody had their eyes on the walking boy. He was wearing a black hoodie with just a simple black ripped tight jeans that cut slightly above his ankles and black converse which matched the outfit. The hood was thrown over his head and the wire from the earphones dangling on his chest. He was now picking up the pace and started walking towards the school rather quickly. Everybody stopped talking and their glances followed Eliott's steps until he disappeared inside of the building.

When he was out of sight, everybody started whispering and Lucas just for a one-second started to feel sorry for him, but then realized it was Eliott's behavior that got him into this position so he abandoned this idea. He turned his head his friends and blurted out the question which was on his mind since he saw him.

"What the hell is he doing here? I thought he was done." He whispers but everybody caught his words and now it is Daphné's turn to speak. "Haven't you heard? He never made it to his bac." She told him with a kind voice, but that still didn't make sense because last year the teacher told them that all students had been admitted for their bac.

With now confusion in his face and voice, he continued with another question, "How? Mrs. Florence told us that everybody was admitted." Now, Daphné made a strange squeak, it was her turn to speak again.

"So you haven't heard. Yes, she told us that, but well Eliott almost did not make the finals. But she gave him mercy because it was the only subject he would have to repeat so she let him pass. But, here comes the best part. One night before their bac finals he broke into the headmaster's office and destroyed all students' files, broke a few windows in teacher lounge and painted graffiti on the wall in the cantina. So they decided that he has to retake his final year and uphold his behavior or they will kick him out." She whispered and Lucas was sick.

So Eliott's been punished and so was the rest of them, how can they survive another year with the bad boy. The group started talking about the upcoming week and he is certain that he hears the words Friday and party but he could care less. He was staring at the entrance where Eliott disappeared. He definitely wasn't expecting this turn of events and he hopes that he'll spend less time in Eliott's presence that is necessary.

The bell suddenly rang and all the people started walking towards the entrance into the building. It was a wake-up call for Lucas that the hell is starting.

It was worse than he had expected. Well, they don't share all the lessons, but he sees Eliott more than he would like to. He is happy that Eliott keeps himself in the back corner of the classrooms, and doodles in his notebook. He also feels the presence of the older boy in the room because the tension and the mood in classes are very stiff, nobody is really happy that Eliott is there with them. He comes into the classes when the bell rings, sits down and then when the bell rings to announce that it is the end of the lesson he is long gone. But Lucas doesn't know it because he definitely isn't watching Eliott and his steps, he hates to admit but maybe he is watching him, but only just a little.

The first few weeks are very slow almost painfully slow. But he isn't complaining. He is happy that he can spend more time with his mum. Her condition got worse over the summer and he wanted to be with her. Her battle with depression was long but she tried. Sadly, when his father is in town, the only thing that his parents were doing was screaming and breaking stuff. That is why most of the time he is with Yann. One of his best friends, he knows about everything and he is there for him when he needs it. 

  
Today is one of the days that he slept at Cazas' house and he is grateful for every second that he has spent there. The morning walks to school with Yann by his side are always cheerful, and it puts him in a good mood. They are laughing way too loud on the street but Lucas actually doesn't care; He needs to put his mind to rest so he let it loose into the presence of his friend. They are close to the school and the mood somehow shifts, but they are still laughing. Suddenly somebody bumps into Lucas's shoulder when the person is speeding to get in front of the walking duo. Lucas blinks as he sees Eliott's face turning around, mumbling soft _sorry_ and just speeding to school.

  
"Honestly, I can't take it anymore." Lucas lets out a deep sigh but continues in his walking. He looks at his best friend who now has a _what?_ the question in his eyes, so he follows, "Him. He just walks around and does literary nothing. He always comes into classes and just sits there, the tension is killing me. It's so freaking creepy." He rambles what he has on his mind.

They are now at the entrance gate and Yann only shrugs his shoulders. "Man, give him a rest. He is just misunderstood." Yann puts his hand on Lucas's shoulders and continues, "I know you don't like him but picture it as it was you. You would probably do the same thing." He raises his eyebrows and waits for Lucas's response. He only pushes away the hand that has been on his shoulders and lets out a little chuckle of laughter, then he says "No I wouldn't because I would never have to retake my final year. I am too smart for that." And with the winning smile, he started walking towards the building, as he only heard a burst of steady laughter from his friend.

The day drags itself and Lucas finds himself sitting on his usual spot on Literature lesson, only his 3rd period of the day. He waves at Imane when she comes to the class. They started sitting together after his partner, Luise, protested because he didn't want to sit with the gay kid because he would catch the illness. Imane told him to _kindly_ _fuck off_ and since then they've been best buds. They started talking about their homework and the reading list. The bell rang and Lucas looked at the usual spot in the back but there was no one. 

Lucas searched the whole room, but Eliott was nowhere to be found. Maybe be heard him when they were walking towards the school, but Lucas was pretty sure he had his headphones on and was in very good distance to not hear a sound. When the door opened, Eliott entered the room, followed by their teacher. _Oh, so he is only in trouble_ he though for himself while his gaze never left Eliott's body. He slightly shifted in his seat so he could have a better view of the older boy. Eliott sat down and he pulled out his notebook and pencil from his backpack. His normal routine, but what is not his routine is to look around the class, but today he had to do it. Eliott had to look up and automatically meet Lucas's eyes. Lucas started to panic as he turned his head to the front of the class. Just before he turned his head he swears to himself that he saw something in Eliott's eyes. They very icy cold but they had softness in them. He only shook his head and tried to focus and listen to the teacher but it was pointless because for the whole lesson he felt that somebody was watching him, and he knew it must have been Eliott.

When the bell rang he packed his stuff and Imane by his side started talking about their plans for the weekend. He smiled but the teacher stopped them, "Not so quick, Mr. Lallemant, I need a word with you." Her voice was soft but serious. He didn't know what he did, but he is sure if he did something it wasn't him who has done it. He wanted to open his mouth, but the teacher only shushed him and told everyone to leave, even Imane had to leave, everyone except him and Eliott. He was really confused and as the last student closed the door behind them, the teacher came closer to both of them.

"Well, Mr. Demaury has been informed about this and he has his opinion but I already decided and you need to be informed. Mr. Lallemant you are my best student in the class. I am aware that you probably know about Mr. Demaury's situation. He has some condition he needs to fulfill to be admitted for his final bac. Sadly, he is, just like last year, failing my class. I've already given him a free pass last year, but I won't do that again." She spoke, her eyes going from Eliott to Lucas and the other way around. Eliott shifted on his place, very unsure and definitely he was not happy to be there. Lucas still had no idea what was this about, so he spoke, "Thank you for your kind words, but I am slightly confused. I still don't know what this meeting is all about." He raised his eyebrows, and for the first time looked at Eliott who was looking down into the ground. 

"Well Mr. Lallemant, I propose an agreement between you to. As you can see, you are the best in the class, and here, Mr. Demaury is the worst. Therefore I want you to tutor him and help him with his grade. If he won't improve I have no chance but to let him fail again, which in the rules of school means it would be the second time and he would have to leave our school." Lucas froze on the spot. Is she serious? He and tutor the worst person in the whole school? _No thanks._

"I am sorry, but you are joking, right? I can tutor him, can you ask somebody else." He protested and started pacing from one side of the room to the second end pushing his hand through his hair making them even messier than they've already been. He only stopped when Eliott husky voice echoed around the room, "I've told her I don't want your help but she insists." Lucas still in shock looking on Eliott, who hadn't met his gaze.

"You see Mrs. Florence, I don't want to do it, and he doesn't want my help so it's set. It won't happen." He put his hands on his hips and smiled. He was happy that at least they agreed on something.

"Sorry gentlemen, I can't do that. You both have to work together and I think it actually can help you both. Now please visit the secretary office, I made a schedule for your sessions. You'll meet every Tuesdays and Thursdays after school, time is up to you, but you have to meet in the library. Your lesson has to be signed by the librarian so you don't cheat and go around telling me you studied. I've already talked with the staff in the library and they know about your situation so they'll closely watch you. I believe you can agree with each other on the rest. If you have any following questions you can ask me before or after class or send me an e-mail. Please, Mr. Lallemant take this seriously, I trust you and your knowledge, and you Mr. Demaury, please for love of God listen to him and try, don't give up on yourself. You are free to leave." She gave her last words for today and pointed to the direction of the door. Both boys had mixed feelings, but when Lucas pushed the door he growled and swore out loud. While he went in the direction of the secretary's office, he looked behind him to see if Eliott's following him, but he only saw his figure leaving the opposite way. _Well, this should be fun_ , Lucas thought for himself while deep sigh escaped his mouth and he continued walking towards the office to pick up the stupid schedule.

After he picked up the schedule, he went to their favorite bistro and ordered a takeaway of Indian food for the full household. He had to do at least something for Yann and his family so he took care of the lunch or for Yann's parent their dinner. When he came back, he put the food on the counter and went straight into Yann's bedroom, who was playing some computer game. "I have to tutor Eliott." Lucas groaned as he plopped down on Yann's bed. When his best friend heard the news, he almost felt from the chair he's been sitting on and broke into the massive laughter. Lucas only flipped him with his middle finger and covered his face with the spare cushions. This is a nightmare he thought for himself.

The only positive thing about the whole situation was that today was Friday, so he and Eliott were meeting in 4 days. When he met his friend outside the shool he spoke, "I need to get drunk, as in right now. Even 2 hours ago was too late. Let's go out and get shitfaced." He blurted out and Yann's wide grin only meant that he agrees. Well, what Lucas hasn't known yet is that tomorrow he is going to regret it, but for now, he was happy that he could go out and forget about this day.

Suddenly the days flew by and it was already Tuesday, the first day of Lucas's torturee. After their literature lesson, Eliott dropped a note on his desk and was out of the classroom. Imane gave him a strange look as both looked on the note, there was only written the time 4 pm. That probably meant the time they are going to meet in the library. Lucas's already felt sick. 

He arrived with a few spare minutes and he made sure the librarian saw him. As he entered the place he searched for an empty table where he could put his stuff, but to his surprise, Eliott's been sitting behind one of the tables so he took a deep breath, _you got this_ , he thought and made his way toward Elliot. The hood of his hoodie was pulled down so his spiky hair flew in different directions, his eyes glued to the piece of paper in front of him. He's been drawing something furiously and hasn't noticed that Lucas was approaching him. He cleared his throat and Lucas though Eliott will jump, he only nodded to the empty chair in front of him, not daring to meet his eyes. Lucas took the invitation and plopped down, now facing Eliott. He pulled his books out and pen since he didn't trust his hands since they needed something to fidged with. 

Lucas did think about how to approach these lessons, but he had no idea how to start, especially since Eliott wasn't paying attention and he was still drawing onto the paper. Lucas always knew how to attract attention, whether he wanted it or not. Now he didn't want it but he had to get it, so he tried again clearing his throat and this time, Eliott's eyes found Lucas's. Once again their eyes met and Lucas almost forgot what he wanted to say because he was lost in the ice storm that was escaping Eliott's eyes. He could feel different emotions, anger, disgust, fear and was it pain? He had no idea, and this was probably silly so he rather started talking.

"Listen I know you don't want to be here just the same as I do, so let's do this and be done with it. Okay?" He waited for the response but the only thing he got from the older boy was his nod. Lucas wanted to cry, but he couldn't. Especially not in front of the bad boy, he would only laugh at him. So he shifted a little bit in his seat and started talking about the book that they've been covering on the few last lessons. He made sure to cover every detail, he looked at Eliott the whole time, he wasn't sure if he was making notes or drawing more sketches, but he let it go. He did his part if Eliott wasn't willing to cooperate, it wasn't his problem. After a full hour of speaking, Lucas asked if he had any questions but there was no sound so he suggested that for today it would be all, he also asked if he was okay with it but the older boy only shrugged his shoulder. He stood up and shoved his notebook, which Lucas noticed was actually covered with notes, into his backpack and within few seconds was out of the doors.

Lucas despited it. He had no idea why the teacher had to punish him like this, but he knew she did it on purpose. He put away all of his things, well almost all of them. He made sure that he had the schedule ready for the signature when he was leaving he put it on the desk of the librarian who with a big smile signed the paper and he was out without blinking. 

The next two lessons went pretty much the same. When Lucas came, Eliott had already been waiting for him, still drawing into his notebook. Lucas talking for one hour, Eliott making notes and without any words, they parted their ways. Lucas wasn't sure if he liked it or not. He just wanted to hear something from Eliott, if he understands or has any other questions but he never told him anything, and it drove Lucas crazy. 

On Wednesday, he and the boys were standing in the big hall and they were talking about an upcoming party at Emma's place. Well, the boys were talking, and Lucas was lost in his thoughts, which were becoming more and more about Eliott. He hated that guy, yet in the last week he spent more time in his presence and him not talking was upsetting.

"Earth calls Lucas. Are you there?" Basile's hand appeared in front of his face and he was pulled back from his daydreaming into reality. "Sorry, I must have zoomed out, what were you saying?" He smiled but none of the boys let it go.

"Hmmm, anything you want to share with us?" Yann asked with raised eyebrows. He sometimes hated that he was his best friend, since he knew everything about him, especially when he had a lot on his mind. But how could he talk with them about Eliott if even he had no idea what to tell them, so he only shook his head. But the boys were determined.

"Listen, guys, maybe he is in love? Do you remember when was the last time he actually had a date or _boyfriend_?" He definitely hasn't missed the change of tone on the word boyfriend, so he said, "You know what? Fuck you. When was the last time you had sex, Basile? Hmm? Oh wait, I know. Never." He looked at him with a devilish smile, this situation won him a high five from Yann and very tight side-hug from Arthur.

"So angry. So it must be something with love." Basile made another remark but his words were lost in a loud noise coming from the left side. They all heard the sound before, it was sound of someone punching somebody else. When they turned around Lucas's eyes filled with fear and his gaze froze on the figure hovering over the beaten boy who was lying on the floor.

Eliott pinched collar of Samuel shirt, one guy from the last year, in his hands to steady him, he leaned closer to the boys and whispered something to his ear. When he has pulled away he punched him one more time. As he let go of him, Samuel's body felt on the cold floor and Eliott hovered over him. His eyes quickly scanned the room and shortly they found Lucas's eyes when they locked them together Lucas felt the anger and pain in them. _Why was he like this?_ Lucas asked himself as he backed into the wall because he was scared. He didn't know why but he felt scared. Eliott shook his head, pulled his hood back on his head, put his hands into the pocket and started walking away. Everybody rushed towards Samuel. The damage wasn't as bad as it looked, but everybody could see the bruises already forming on his jawline. The whole hall was surprised, but the shock that took their breath away was what followed, Samuel spoke with a raspy voice, "Nobody says anything. Not to parents, not to teachers. Understand?" And now Lucas had really no idea what was going on. 

Thursday's tutoring lesson was almost starting and Lucas wasn't in a hurry. He was still putting a list of pros and cons in his head if he should or shouldn't continue with those lessons. Lucas knows that something changed. In the beginning, if he had a chance he would end it, and now he was discussing with his conscience whether to continue or not. Who he was kidding. He let out a sigh and made his way to the library. He didn't recognize himself, but he was determined to see Eliott and maybe if he has the courage he'll ask him some questions. They need to make some progress after all. 

When he entered the library he looks at their usual table and instead of the usual picture, Eliott drawing, he was gazing right into his greyish and bluish eyes which widened when they saw Lucas. Or maybe Lucas only thought so. He quickly pushed it to the back of his mind and went to sit opposite Eliott. He started to pick up his books, but still felt the gaze of the older boy on him. He glanced just to make sure he didn't imagine it. Nope, Eliott was looking at him very intensively so Lucas spoke up.

"Is there something you want to say?" He raised his eyebrows and put his hands on the table on top of each other. He looked right into those eyes, and he had to admit he had no idea who he was. Just yesterday, he was scared to be in the presence of Eliott, but today he was determined to make him speak. 

"Ehm, well...I mean, I wasn't expecting you to show up. That's all." He shrugs his shoulders but moved to pick up his notebook from his bag. Lucas tried to keep calm because his voice was huskier than he had remembered. He shook he had to bring his mind back to the moment.

"Why wouldn't I?" Lucas offered a soft smile to the boy opposite to him, he saw his face relax a little bit but then he tensed and his lips started moving, _why was I looking at his lips_ , was another thought Lucas pushed to the back of his mind and he tried to register Eliott's words which he mumbled and sounded something like _because of yesterday._

He shifted in his seat and taken a better look on Eliott who seems smaller almost devastated, so he only shook his head and told him, "I am here to make you an excellent student of literature, not to make you a decent human being, you have to do that by yourself." He swears Eliott winced when he finished the sentence, but maybe he imagined it. Maybe Lucas shouldn't push it, but Eliott was talking so he wanted to take advantage of it, "Why did you do it by the way?" He looked deep into his eyes and saw something he has never seen in those eyes, that is why he could not place it. But Eliott's face looked so broken and the response was so soft that he almost missed it, _you wouldn't understand._

He pretended he hasn't heard it and rather started explaining the new book, _A Clockwork Orange_ , one of Lucas's all-time favorites. He was surprised because Eliott even asked some question regarding the plot, maybe he didn't envision it, maybe something changed after all. In the middle of his talking, Eliott suddenly pulled his hoodie over his head and revealed a black t-shirt and some of his tattoos. Lucas had to blink and swallow his saliva to bring himself back to his speaking. Eliott watched him with confusion and Lucas couldn't hold on.

"Why do you have a tattoo of a butterfly? Isn't it kind of girly?" He pushed his seat closer to the table so he could have a better view of Eliott, but he saw how he blinked at Lucas. _So maybe we are not movie forward, probably backward_ he thought because Eliott's expression rapidly changed.

"Lucas," his tone sharp, and hearing his name from Eliott's mouth sounded like a sharp glass cutting him, "there are questions you should not ask people who have tattoos." His response cold just like his tone of voice, and Lucas immediately regretted the question but he could not take it back so he rather continued with the book.

After another half-hour, he decided that for today it was enough and he said they'll meet after the weekend. To which Eliott nodded and packed his notebook, turned around and walked away. Maybe Lucas had another hallucination but he heard _Okay, see you_ from him. But maybe it was really just his imagination. He rather followed Eliott's steps, he packed his stuff and was out of the building as soon as possible. He was happy that the weekend was approaching so he could relax. He and the boys wanted to go to the cinema to watch the new Marvel movie so he had something to be excited about until he came home.

When he unlocked the door to their apartment, he noticed the brown messenger bag and black shoes near the door. _Oh, fuck me_ he thought and he could already hear the voices. He came inside and was met by two worrying sets of eyes. "I'll just grab a few things and I'm out of here." He packed his overnight bag and wrote to Yann just simple text.

 **Lucas:** Dad in town

 **Yann:** I'll set up the bed

And he was glad that he had him. He wanted to cry, he has thought that the weekend would be better, and it was only Thursday. He hated his life sometimes.

His mom called him on Monday evening to let him know that his dad was out again. He let out a deep breath but told her he'll come back tomorrow since he was almost ready to go to bed. She said she understands and he should rest. His mum was a strong woman, she spent so many years with the asshole who was supposed to be Lucas's father, but he was no one to him. And his mother's condition hasn't improved since the last time, and he blames his father he always comes and they argue and his mom is just as upset as he is. But you know the saying, you can't choose where you are born, but you can choose who'll be your family. He had family in Yann, who was already snoring on his bed. He didn't want to think about it anyways, it would keep him awake and he needed to be rested because tomorrow there is a tutoring session with Eliott. Lucas won't admit it but he may or may not fall asleep thinking about the tattooed body, pierced face and blue-eyed boy. 

Everything went to hell after the second period. He had Maths when a secretary came into the room and demanded Lucas's because the headmaster wanted to see him. He felt everybody's gaze at him as he picked his stuff and shuffled to the door. He asked what he has done that he has to see the headmaster, but she hasn't said a word. He was confused but followed her. He had already visited the headmaster's office when he received honors for representing the school abroad. He remembered it differently, but he also realized that Eliott had vandalized the place last spring. He lightly knocked on the door and when he heard come in, he pushed the door.

"Lucas, come on in." The headmaster said and pointed to the chair in front of him to sit. He hesitated but sat down. He shifted because he still had no idea what he had done to be here. Well, he soon found out. "I'm sorry Lucas, but I have very bad news. It's your mother. She, how to say. She tried to kill herself." Panic started flowing in his veins, the tears pushed into his eyes and ringing in his ears started. He was unable to move, just numbness taken over his body. He was paralyzed.

"What? How? Is...Is she...?" He broke down, not able to finish his sentence. The headmaster was already by his side and Lucas tried to listen to him. "No Lucas, she is, well they saved her, but she's been admitted into a mental hospital. I am sorry." He probably wanted to hug him, but it was unappropriated so he only placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a firm squeeze.

Lucas had no idea how much time he spent there, but it must have been a while. The headmaster also tried to find about the situation more, he gave him an address where is she hospitalized and the permission to leave today early so he could go and see her. The problem was the fact that he was under 18 and he was living alone. His father in and out of the city, well mostly out and now his mom in the hospital, it was his duty as the headmaster that he had to take care of the situation. Lucas without thinking suggested that he could spend the time at Cazas household. He told him how long he has known them and what they have already done for him. So they had an agreement that he will inform them about the situation and whether they will help him or not. If not, he would have to call his father and for that Lucas strongly protested. The headmaster also promised that this conversation is highly private and classified and he won't discuss it with anyone and it is only up to Lucas to whom he shares it with. 

After another 5 minutes, they said their goodbyes and Lucas started running towards the gates. He had to see his mother straight away. He should have known yesterday that she sounded differently and she was broken. He should have known. He hadn't been there for her yesterday, so today he is going to be there. 

What he completely forgot was his tutoring lesson. While he would be spending time on his mother's side, a certain somebody would be waiting for him in the library for almost 20 minutes until he would leave. What Lucas is missing is the hurt expression on Eliott's face. Eliott knew he pushed Lucas away on last Thursday, but he never thought he would take is so personally and not come. He was devastated by the fact that he came after he saw him beat up a guy, but he left him alone after he refused to open up, and once again Eliott realized he fucked up and could not do anything about it. He's been broken again, he sent a sad smile to the librarian and left.

But Lucas doesn't know any of this.

When he got to the hospital and found his mother lying on the hospital bed he broke into the ugliest cry, but he needed the emotions to escape his body the fear coming out of his bones, the anger crawling out of his skin and the sadness breaking down with the sobs. He came closer and kissed her on her head, took her hand to his and started whispering everything he wanted to say, _I'm sorry, I should have been there, It's my fault, I don't deserve you._

It went like this for an hour. Starting to take deep breaths he glanced around the room, he found a chair which he moved closer to the bed and sat there. Glancing over her body he tried to make himself comfortable and pulled out his phone. He glanced at the time and 4:25 pm. And it hit him. Shit. He let out a sharp sound and dialed a familiar number.

"Heeeeey, you disappeared in the middle of the day? Everything's good?" Yann's warm greeting crept from the speaker into the silence of the room. Lucas wanted to cry again, but he remembered why he called.

"Uhm, well no but I don't want to talk about it over the phone. I just want to let you know I am not coming tonight. I need to stay with my mum." His voice a little bit shaky and husky, but he swallowed and tried to relax and continued his speech, "But I need a favor. I was supposed to meet Eliott in the library at 4, but I forgot about it. Can you go there and tell him I am sorry, but I won't make it today?" Out of habit, he bit his lower lip waiting for the answer. Just a soft _Yeah_ escaped the boy's mouth on the other end and it's been followed by _Sure you are alright._ At that, Lucas fought the tears which were returning to his eyes and cleared his throat. "Yeah, I'll talk with you tomorrow. Thanks and bye." He said and ended the call quicker not to hear Yann respond. 

He shifted in his seat and put his head in his hands, a long groan escaped his mouth and the tears returned. He had no idea what to do next. He was lost, alone and on the edge of breaking. He pushed the tears out of his face, _I need to be strong for you._ He thought and looked at his mother, again took her hand to his and squeezed it, brought his lips near and kissed her knuckles. _You are going to be okay_ , he whispered but he was not sure if he was telling it to her or himself. He caught the as his phone light up in his lap, quickly scanning the display he saw the text from Yann.

 **Yann:** He's not here. Take care, love you xx

One last single tear escaped his eye, but this tear was not for his mother or himself, it was for Eliott. Deep down Lucas was scared that he started to feel something for the boy, maybe sympathy or understanding, or was it something else. He hated the fact that he let him down, he let down two people in one day and that hurt him the most. He needs to be strong and save every last bit of the something he and Eliott had going on, and he needs to be brave for his mother, when she wakes up she'll need his support.

Lucas hasn't slept for the whole night not leaving his mother's side, he was too anxious and petrified. He thought his mother will wake up and he'll miss it so he stayed awake. It sounds difficult, but when you are at the edge of your life everything seems to be very easy. The staff has been nice too, they came and checked his mother and him once in a while and he was grateful. 

It was 28 hours since he's been with her and 37 hours he's been awake. He was anxiously walking around the room trying to figure out what he should do, but never really letting his sigh fall down from his mother's body. When he was debating if he should also skip tomorrow's day, he glanced at her hand because he swears he saw some movement. Maybe he needs to rest, he thought because his imagination probably started to act out. But then it was there again, now a more visible movement.

He took two steps and he was right beside her mother, he took her hand in his and followed her as her eyes opened up. She was slightly confused but when she saw the horrified expression of her son, she broke down into sobs. _I'm sorry my son_ , he heard and on that he gave her hug and kissed the top of her head. _It's okay, everything is going to be okay. I've got you and I'm not leaving. I'm the one who should be sorry._

They stayed like that for at least 10 minutes, because both of them needed that. He had no idea how he missed her and he was glad that she is okay. Well not okay, but _alive._ She shuffled on the bed which created a space next to her, and without hesitation he slipped next to her, putting his head in the crook of her neck. She was patting his head and kissing it, still repeating the words _I'm sorry_. _Be strong,_ Lucas thought, _be there for her._

He didn't know how, but he felt asleep like that. He slept until the morning hours, and it wasn't as comfortable but at least it was better than the chair. He woke up to muffled sounds so slowly he shifted and slightly opened his eye, not wanting to look into the bright room full of light. He blinked a couple of times to steady his vision. His mum was already awake and talking with, what seems to be her doctor. As he shifted to have a better view, both of the adults looked down at him and stopped the conversation. 

"Lucas, sweetheart can you give us some time?" She asked and he only nodded. Well, he needed to use the bathroom after all. He went to take a piss and then roamed around the corridor to the vending machines picking up his breakfast, a chocolate muesli bar and a coffee. He smiled at the nurses on the reception and made his way to the room. The doors were still closed, so he sat down on the ground. He slowly chewed the bar and sipped the coffee. He heard the voices behind the closed doors so he tried to relax.

He pulled out his phone and had a few missed calls from the gang and worrying text messages from Yann. He looked at the time it was almost 11 am. So he is skipping another day of school. He groaned and only sent a text to Yann.

 **Lucas:** Don't worry, I am alive. Not gonna make it today x

And then pushed his phone deep down into the pocket of his hoodie. He waited for another 5 minutes and then the doors opened. He watched as the doctor gave him a half-smile, turned to the left and disappeared into neighbouring room. He was too eager so swiftly went inside and was at his mother's side. She gave him a weak sad smile.

"Lucas, they want to keep me here. I have to be here for as long as they see any progress and I won't be a threat to you." She spoke quietly but the ringing in his ears started again. He knew the situation has been bad but like this? No, he won't let it happen.

"What? You are not a threat to me." He protested, but she shook her head, "Yes I am, look where we are my boy. I think it is the best thing for me. I struggled a lot in the last few months and look where we ended." She pointed to the room and Lucas's heart started to break.

"How long it's going to be?" His voice cracking, he felt like he was losing his breath. "Don't know yet. They will decide on the progress I make. Oh, honey." She noticed the tears and pulled him into a tight hug. "Baby, you are strong you can manage without me. They already told me that Cazas have already agreed to take care of you until I am here. They are good people." Now her smile was encouraging and he felt the hope in her voice, she wanted to get better. She had to. 

They spend other minutes in silence, just soft humming of his mother, some song she used to sing him when he was little. After that, she insisted that he need to go home, pack his stuff and go to Cazas's house. He protested but she gave him her strict eyes.

"Can I see you again?" He cried when they were saying their goodbyes. "Oh course honey, but maybe not for a while. I need to start getting better. Hey look at me, I am where I need to be, but don't worry about me. You have other obligations, think about your school. You missed 3 days. I'll be okay here." She gave him one last hug and kiss on his cheeks, which were covered in tears. As he walked to the elevator, he turned around and gave one last wave to his mother as the doors were closing.

 _It's going to be difficult, but you can do it,_ was the thought forming in Lucas's head. He needed to be strong he reminded himself as he walked away from the hospital to their home. When he opened the door, there was just silence. He hated it, so quickly he went to his room, pulled out his bigger suitcase and started packing his clothes and things he will need. He had no idea for how long he is going to stay with Yann so he made sure he had everything.

With one last glance at the apartment, he shut the doors and locked them. He called Uber to Yann's address. He arrived in less than 20 minutes, rang the doorbell and Mrs. Cazas's was already opening the door. She hesitated, but pulled him into this intense hug and whispered that everything is going to be fine and Lucas wanted to believe it. He gave her a sad smile. She stepped aside and Lucas made his way towards Yann's bedroom, his second home.

She gave him lunch, and Lucas hadn't realized how hungry he was. He glanced at the clock and it was 2 pm. He stood up, thanked for the meal and told her he needs to go to school to talk to Yann. He hadn't said it, but he had another obligation. He had to be there at 4 to meet a certain boy who, Lucas won't admit aloud, he missed a lot. Just not seeing him made him sad. Of course, his mom was the number one priority, but he would be lying if he said that he hadn't thought of Eliott in the hospital. So he packed his books and notes, thanked Mrs. Cazas's, kissed her cheeks and said goodbye with the words _I'll see you later_ and was out of the door in no time. 

His feet walking on the familiar road in the direction of the building. As he arrived, he saw a few people hanging around the schoolyard. He walked through the gate and followed into the entrance. He knew Yann's schedule by heart so he flew up the stairs and settled on the ground in front of his science laboratory classroom. He hadn't had to wait for long because the bell rang and the door flew open. A few people shuffled and then he saw his friend with a bright smile. Their eyes met and Yann's smile disappeared. He mumbled something to his classmate and quickly walked towards Lucas, taking a seat next to him.

They sat in silence since there were no lessons for today and the corridor has been empty. Lucas put his head on Yann's shoulder and started crying. Yann only wrapped his hands around him and encouraged him to _let it out._ After what seemed like forever, his head sprung up to check the time he still had some time before the tutoring lesson. He looked back at Yann, finding his calming eyes, but his smile smoothing.

"You look like shit, you've missed 2 days of school and hasn't answered my texts, and now this. Talk to me." Yann's hand found his shoulder and squeezed it. Lucas looked at him and started explaining, not missing any detail of the events that have happened.

He explained the meeting with the headmaster, his days spent in the hospital, his mother waking up and them talking, and that she is staying there while he is going to stay with his family. Yann hugged him and this was what Lucas needed, he pulled him even closer and just relaxed into the hug. He finally shared with him everything that has been bothering him. Well, except Eliott, but he felt he could breathe again just a little bit.

Shortly they parted ways, but Yann reminded him that he'll see him at home. He smiled glancing one more time on his best friend and started walking towards the library. It was almost 4 so he speeded just a little bit. He reached the door and walked inside. He genuinely smiled, because he was ready to face Eliott, but when he scanned the room with his eyes the familiar black hoodie, the wild hair poking in every direction and the hunched figure over the notebook was nowhere to be found. He shuffled to one of the empty tables and picked his books, ready to meet Eliott. 

He's been waiting there for 15 minutes and no one was coming. Every time the doors to the library opened his eyes glancing to see if it is the boy he's been waiting on, but every time it was someone else. After a half-hour, he knew he is not coming. With sad expression he picked his books, head ducked looking at the floor as he left the building and made his way out. He felt a different mixture of emotions deep down in his guts. _I don't even like the guy, why am I bother he hasn't shown up._ He knew he was lying to himself, but he could not be bothered to think about himself and his feelings when his mother should be his priority number one. She is the one that matters, not Lucas and his stupid lectures, and definitely not some stupid boy who does not deserve Lucas's attention after all Eliott was the bad guy who punched people and was always in trouble, right?

The following day he spent at the Cazas's household because he needed to rest, and catch up on the missing sleep. Mrs. Cazas made sure the headmaster knew about it. And Lucas's been glad because he was not ready to face his classmates and to pretend that everything is fine when it wasn't. Yann was the only one who knew about Lucas's situation, the gang had no idea and he wanted for it to stay it like that. Yann had a mission today to tell them that he is just sick but on Monday he'll be back. 

On Saturday, he decided he'll cook for the whole family, he knew he could do it. He had no idea how to cook, but it should be easy, he quickly searched the internet for some ideas and decided that Lasagna is the perfect dish to make. He wrote down everything he needed and made his way to the nearest shop. While the situation and never-ending thinking about his mom and Eliott skipped in his head, he was satisfyingly humming some song that stuck in his head as he went up and down of pasta corridor in the shop. Searching all shelves with different pasta types, he did not pay attention where he was walking and suddenly he hit something and flopped down on his ass. He shook his head and started mumbling empty _sorry_ to whomever he hit when the hand was reaching down to help him. Without looking up he took it and in one swift motion, he was upon his feet. He swang to one side but steadied his body with both feet, he was ready to look on the victim of his carelessness. When he looked up, the broken greyish eyes were looking down on him. _Oh, shit._ He mumbled as he pulled his hand from Eliott's. 

"Hey," Eliott whispered, but for Lucas, it sounded like a scream. Fuck, what to do now. "Hi," he said and his mind started screaming, _Hi? Really, Lucas. Come on, say something else_. And so he did, "What are you doing here?" Eliott's eyes never looking away, now wider with full of sadness.

"Well, it's a shop, so I am shopping for food." That is everything that came just this simple answer full of coldness in his voice and no facial expression. If Lucas could, he would kick himself. "Right, yeah sorry," Lucas whispered and brought his hand to rush it through his hair. Eliott stared at Lucas just for a few more seconds, and then he moved around to bypass him. 

_Come on Lucas, do something, he is here._ Screamed his consciousness so Lucas did. He reached for Eliott's wrist and Eliott froze on the spot, he slowly turned around and first glanced at Lucas's hand on his wrist and then his gaze found his eyes. They stood there just for a moment like this, and then Lucas broke by saying, "You didn't show up on Thursday." Bitting his bottom lip his sight looking straight into Eliott's eyes, which were in shock, he saw that Eliott opened and closed his mouth for a couple of times, but then his eyes turned back into this cold icy storm and his voice spoke with the rare husky tone that was familiar to Lucas, "well you did not show up to our Thursday lesson, so what is the point?" He tugged his hand which he wanted to free from Lucas's grip but he was holding it firmly so the motion only brought Lucas closer to Eliott and he almost fell again but Eliott caught him by his shoulders. They looked into each other's eyes, and Lucas saw that Eliott was as broken as Lucas, but why? Lucas was worried about his mother, so why was Eliott miserable? In a swift motion, Eliott took one step away from the younger boy and tried to turn around, but Lucas stopped him by saying,

"Wait. Look sorry, I wanted to come, but something came up. I also told Yann to find you and tell you but you were already gone." said Lucas unsure what will happen and Eliott stopped. Not turning back or going away, he just stopped like he was glued to the floor. "Y-y-you want-wanted to come?" Eliott stuttered and Lucas not so sure why he was surprised but yeah, if this was what he needed to say, he is going to say it, "Yes, of course, I wanted to come. But it was my mom. She...she had some problem and I needed to be there for her. I need to be there." with the last word his voice broke down in the middle but it was okay because he saw Eliott turned around, now his more soft expression was looking at him.

"Okay." Now the soft muffled sound escaped Eliott's lips and Lucas winced he has never heard Eliott so soft he wanted to hear more of it. He had no idea that the husky voice can also turn into the smooth honey sound.

"Yeah, I should have let you know before." He smiled at Eliott, and he might imagine but the left corner of Eliott's lips moved up as he wanted to smile. _Maybe._

They stood in silence. Well, all around them there were different sounds, guy sneezing in the corridor next to this, a beeping sound coming from the register and the radio playing some soft melody. But for Lucas, he only heard the soft breaths escaping both of their lungs and his heart beating in his chest maybe faster than usual. Eliott came closer to Lucas and ducked down, pulled out something from the shelf and threw it into Lucas's shopping basket. Lucas confused looked at it and found 2 packages of the pasta he had been searching for before he bumped into Eliott. Confusion overtook his body and he looked at Eliott, who was now fully smiling and yeah, his smile was so bright that filled the space between them. He had never seen him smile, but he was sure that he wanted to see it more often. He had to. 

"How did you..." He wanted to ask, but Eliott shook his head and pointed to his shopping basket, "you have all the ingredients for it. It wasn't hard to guess what you are looking for." He said and picked his own kind of pasta, and then moved towards the register, and Lucas followed him.

They paid for their shopping, said goodbye to the shop assistant and were out in no time. Both stopped just a few steps in front of the shop and felt yet again into another silence. It wasn't an awkward silence, actually, it was soothing silence that was magical. With a hesitation Eliott cleared his throat and said, "I'll walk you home." and Lucas wanted to die at the spot, his stomach dropped and he wasn't sure if it was a good or a bad idea, but he just nodded and turned in direction of Yann's house.

The walk was slow but somehow interesting. Lucas was first to start talking, he asked about what he had missed on literature lessons and Eliott gave out this tiny chuckle, which by the way drove Lucas kind of crazy, but he told him they finished the book and moved to a new one, The Sound and The Fury and they are going to write the test before Christmas break. 

"Well, we need to get you ready to write it then." He joked and both boys laughed. Yeah, the mood got easier and Lucas liked it, but then Eliott hit him with a question he had not expected, "Is everything alright? I mean with your mom." Lucas stopped his steps, he forgot about his mom. The whole time they were talking up to this moment, he completely forgot. _What are you doing to me?_ another question that popped inside Lucas's head, but this could not be said out loud, because there was nothing going on. Eliott turned around, and afraid what he had just said rather followed with, "you don't need to tell me. I have no right to ask." And dropped his head so he was facing the ground.

Lucas, now half smiling because honestly, it looked so adorable and Eliott really looked like a big baby like this, anyways he came closer and now was beside Eliott. He looked up and Lucas nodded in the direction they were walking. So they started their walk and Lucas started his speech, "Well, not really. She just..." he swallowed because he had no idea how to start and he also had no idea why he was telling it to Eliott, of all people, but continued, "She had her troubles for some time now. Well depression mainly, and on Monday things just escalated." He finished and let out a breath he was holding.

He expected everything, but not a hand on his shoulder and a softness in Eliott's expression with the words _I'm sorry_ , so he only shrugged his shoulder and continued in walking, "Yeah, me too. I was at Yann's house and, well she had a very bad day,..." he could not finish because the tears once again found his way to his eyes. Eliott sopped him, hand firm on his shoulders and eyes meeting his.

"You don't have to talk about it. Shit, forget I asked about it." But Lucas was already shaking his head, he stated so he'll finish it, "No, I owe it to you since I missed out a lesson." He heard the weak _you don't owe me anything_ but determined as he was he continued his talk, "She could not sleep so she took some pills, but then, the nurses said she took the full bottle. Our neighbor had the keys and needed something so he went inside and found her. If he did not come, she would be long gone." He took another deep breath and continued, "So now, she is in a mental hospital. They said it is better for her since she is a danger to me. But fuck them, she is the best thing that happened to me. And yes, I wasn't there for her, so I need to be there now but she said to live my life but I don't know-how. I want to be with her because she is the one that matters now the most." As he finished, he was now ugly crying in front of Eliott but he did not care, he had to let it out somehow.

What followed will always be in Lucas's memory forever. Eliott slowly stood in front of Lucas and pulled him into the hug. Lucas automatically wrapping his hands around him and yeah, he could get used to this. His sobs muffled in the crook of Eliott's neck, Fuck he smells so _good_ , was not thought he was expecting but he did not mind it because he could admit that Eliott smelled like citrusy lemony flavor with a little hint of lavender. Not the drugstore lavender that made you sick, but that kind which the fresh flowers smelled like every spring.

Eliott's hand going up and down on Lucas back brought him back to the reality and his voice soft near his ear saying him _You matter the most Lucas, I see how you care, fuck I would kill to have a person in my life who cares about me as much as you care about your mom_ _but she is right. She has all the help that she needs so you just need to live your life like before._ He has no idea how he should feel now because this must have been a dream, him and Eliott Demaury hugging and him encouraging him. This is not him. He is supposed to be the bad guy. 

"Lucas?" Somebodies' voice took them back to the moment, and in a second the hug was over. Lucas searched Eliott's eyes, but he ducked his head down and pretended to smooth the wrinkles on his jacket. When the voice shouted again, his head spun around and found Yann with a confused expression on his face. He turns back to look at Eliott, but he only shook his head and mumbled _see you at school_ and walked away.

Lucas's confusion was pretty much the same as on Yann's face and as they came closer to each other, he could already predict Yann's question "What was that all about?" but Lucas shook his head and let out a light laughter, "Would you believe me If I told you I have no idea? I mean, I told him about my mom and then that happened." He pointed to the place where just a few seconds ago he stood in a warm embrace of Eliott's body.

"Yup, are you telling me everything you are doing with him at those tutoring lessons?" He raised his eyebrows with the biggest grin on his lip. Lucas rolled his eyes and showed Yann's shoulder, "Fuck off." He hissed in a friendly tone and bothe of them started walking into the direction which led to _home._

The next few tutoring lessons were slightly less tense and more comfortable. They even laughed and had the small talks about their days and weekends, Eliott even asked about Lucas's mother. It was definitely strange but nice. 

"Okay, so remember shadows - darkness, creeping on you not good, a reminder you are nothing so they are your enemy and time - constant burden, the remainder of past what you can't change so again your enemy. If you'll know these symbols you'll ace the test." Lucas smiled as he finished his ramble about symbolism in The Sound and The Furry and packed his books. He looked as Eliott scratched down his words and put the pen aside. "I think I'll be golden since I have the best tutor on the school." Okay, did he just dream it or was he kind of flirting with him. He glanced from his eyes to the notebook and noticed the little doodle Eliott had drawn before the lesson started, well it was not finished, one animal had been completed but the second had yet to be drawn.

"Is that...what is that? A raccoon?" He pointed to the drawing and he could he Eliott blushing. "Oh wow, you got it on your first try. Everybody thinks it is a badger, but yeah it is a raccoon. My spirit animal." He hid behind the notebook as she wanted to shuffle it down in the bag. "So if it is your spirit animal, does it mean it is supposed to be you?" He glanced at Eliott and now the pink cheeks turned almost into red, "You are very clever Lucas. Yeah, I draw myself as a raccoon. And before you start laughing, I think they are cool and they wear masks." He answered and waited on Lucas's laugh, but he only gave him his soft glance with a little smile. "I like that. I think it's cool. And what is supposed to be the blop next to him?" They stood up at the same time and started walking towards the librarian who signed the schedule. Eliott was first one to be out of the doors and Lucas followed him and heard Eliott's reply, _nothing._ But for Lucas, it didn't look like _nothing_ to him, but he let it be for now.

"So see you in the next lesson?" Lucas said and Eliott nodded with his head, turned around and disappeared around the corner.

Lucas turning into opposite direction and walking towards the group of people he's been ignoring for the last few weeks.

"He's alive. I can't believe it." Basile shouted and everybody run towards Lucas to give him a hug. "I'm not letting you go," said Alexia, but she let him go eventually. He smiled at them and thanked them for just being there. Everything went into the normal conversation, except he still kept thinking about certain somebody. Yeah, his mind was in two sets, either he was thinking about his mom or Eliott. He could not help him, but he liked what they had going on even thou he had no idea _what_ it was. He realized he has been daydreaming, but thankfully nobody noticed so he tried to be a better friend and listen to his friends because they were there for him, always.

Following day, he was walking out of their literature class when they finished the test and he was asking, "I think it was kind of easy, Imane what do you think." They were writing a test about The Sound and The Furry and for him, it was like nothing, while Imane might have struggled a little bit, "I don't know, I did not get the 4th question." She shrugged her shoulder but followed Lucas into the big hall. "How do you think Eliott did?" He asked her and with that question she stopped in the middle of the corridor, "Why do you care?" Her eyebrows skyrocketed up and her hands gently placed at his hips.

"I don't know. I am just curious." He tried to give her his best Hollywood smile and tried to hide his nerves, _of course, you don't talk about him, you are supposed to hate him, do you hate him?_ He really should stop thinking. "You never talk about him." She gave him her remark, and now was the one who led the way. He only shook his head and really wanted to kick his guts.

In the next week, he found himself talking about Eliott more and more, _Eliott said this, Eliott did this, Eliott had this,..._ and his friend started to notice. So he might or might not have a slight obsession with Eliott.

"So, this is our last lesson before Christmas break." Lucas smiled. He just finished his rant about Catch-22 and he was genuinely happy about the upcoming break, he needed to relax and maybe detox his body from Eliott because he was now the main objective of his dreams. They packed their stuff in silence, walked towards the librarian and out from the door.

"I see you are in a good mood. Is your mom coming home for Christmas?" Eliott asked when they emerged from the library. Lucas got just a little bit sad because sadly the doctor has not released her yet so this will officially be his first Christmas without his mom. So he only shook his head and gave the best answer he could, "No, she is still in the hospital. I think I'll spend them with Yann's family or alone in the apartment to give them a little bit of privacy, I've been an intruder in their home for almost 2 months now." He smiled just a little, he hoped his mom would be home for Christmas, but no such luck for him, but yeah he was at the apartment last week, to decorate it into Christmas theme. He hadn't put up the Christmas tree, because there was no reason but he decorated the rooms so at least it looked somehow festive if his father decided to show up. Eliott slowed down and looked a little bit in shock.

"You want to tell me that you will probably spend your Christmas alone?" His voice sounded husky, just like at the beginning of their friendship, _was this friendship?_ Another question he needs an answer for, but he kept eyeing Eliott and when he nodded, Eliot shook his head, "No way. You cou-, well maybe you could spend it with me and my family?" Hasitately Eliott asked, and Lucas chocked on his saliva. _Yes, yes, yes,_ his mind screamed at him, _just say yes_ , his heart throbbed into his chest, _you know you want to say yes,_ his stomach fluttered, but his mouth said "No." He said mostly sharply, and he put his hands on his mouth as soon as he said that word. Eliott's eyes turned light icy color, the corners of his lips went from a happy smile into a neutral position and he shifted uncomfortably at the place. _Oh,_ escaped his mouth followed by simple _okay_ and without saying goodbye he was gone.

"I think I fucked up." Groaned Lucas when he entered the shared bedroom. Yann was lying in his bed reading a book, so Lucas popped down right next to him. He let out deep and long breath and turned his head towards Yann, who had put away his book and shuffled so he had a better view on Lucas. 

"What's up? Was it some test?" He asked and Lucas shook his head, "Your mom?", again Lucas shook his head, so Yann looked deep down into Lucas's eyes and said, "Eliott." a whimper escaped Lucas's mouth and Yann knew he was on the right track. "Listen, man, what is up with you two? You seem that you actually like him." And at that Lucas threw a hurt puppy look on Yann and everything made sense for him now. "No way. Do you like Eliott? But you said he is the bad guy. What changed?" He now sat cross leged opposite Lucas with a cushion in his hands like he was some stupid teenage girl, but Lucas followed him and sat the same way. 

He started talking and he told him everything that has been bothering him, since the first meeting up to this moment. He needed to clear his head and actually understand himself, his feeling and get a hold of himself. But when he finished he felt like a wreck at the bottom of the Ocean, _hey you can be Titanic 2.0._ His mind gave him another remark. He patiently waited for Yann's response, but only he got were weird glances, maybe he was debating whether or not to kick him out and stop being friends with him.

"Lucas," he started and Lucas has been prepared for everything, but not for what followed, "I think he likes you." Lucas blinked at Yann for a brief second and then he started laughing, _you're kidding, right?_ escaped between the pauses for breath but Yann only shook his head. "Based on what you've told me, I think he does like you, even thou I don't know who would like dumbass like you." He tried to lighten the mood but his previous words hit him like a truck _, he likes you, he likes you, he likes you_ , echoed in his mind. _Oh, shit you like him too._

"But, how is that possible? He can't like me? I'm just...just me." He pointed and now he was upon his feet and pacing from one place to another. No, this is not happening. He thought but he retraced every memory he had and everything he did with Eiott and maybe Yann was right. "What do I do now?" He completely broken fell down into Yann's lap, he stroked his hair and looked at Lucas. "I think you should talk about it." He said with a calm voice, but Lucas winced, "What, what if you are wrong? What if I make a fool out of myself? I can't do that." He said and buried his face into Yann's jacket.

"You don't have to do it if you don't want to. But then don't come to me crying that he found someone else because I'll tell you _I told you so_." Yann says, and that is his last remark because he goes back to reading his book and Lucas now starts thinking about seeing Eliott with someone else, holding their hands and kissing their mouth and he decides that he does not like this idea, he hates that idea and then all his mind is showing him is Eliott holding Lucas's hand and Eliott kissing Lucas and he does not find it scary, he admits to himself that that is what he really wants. 

"And," Yann's voice drags him back to reality, "if you thought you are spending Christmas alone, forget about it. You are my family so you are staying here with us." With that, Lucas's lips played with a soft smile. Somehow everything made sense now, he knew he will be saved and loved on Christmas, and he knew that after holidays he has to find Eliott and tell him how he feels.

Christmas at Cazas's house was full of food, people and so much love. He, of course, missed his mom, but he had his second family which loved him as well. The day after Christmas he went to see his mom and they spent together all afternoon just talking and laughing. He missed her so much. She also told him that sadly she won't make it home for another couple of weeks, but maybe if everything will go according to doctors' wishes, she could be home by the end of January or the start of February. Another month without her, but at least they had some news about it. He whished the end of January could come sooner.

New Year's Eve and Day he spent with the gang at Emma's house. Her mother was gone so she had the house for herself so she invited only the gang. He wanted to make memories for maybe one of the last celebrations together so he let his mom and Eliott slip his mind.

When the school started he was ready to face the challenge, he would go to Eliott and talk with him. He had a lot of time to think about him, about what he meant to him and yeah. He never predicted that he would like the boy so much, but he did and maybe he'll make a clown from himself today, but he needed to know if Eliott feels the same and if not Eliott deserved to know about Lucas's feelings. Lucas would be lying if he said he was okay and ready to face it. Yesterday he had not eaten anything and maybe he had slept a maximum of 2 hours too anxious to sleep and too afraid of rejection.

The rejection came when Eliott didn't show up in school at all. Devastated Lucas went home with hopes that he'll do it tomorrow, but the day repeated and Eliott was nowhere to be seen or found. One the third day, Lucas felt sick because he's been holding the idea inside him for so long and Eliott missed school again. It went like this for the rest of the week, _so maybe he was sick_ , Lucas thought and waited until Monday, but the boy he was looking for has never shown up, yet again.

On their lunch break, he lost it, “Yann, but what if something happened to him?” He dragged his words when they sat next to the gang and everybody shot them confused glances. “Don't worry about it. I'm sure he is fine.“He shrugged his shoulders but it was Imane who spoke, “Happen what to whom?” Her eyebrows raised.

“No one,” said Lucas but Yan at the same time said “Eliott.” And Lucas sent a glance of 100 knives to his way. He expected hell and screams or laughter but there was nothing. The gang did not react, only Basile, “Oh that, so any news between you two? Have you decided to tell him you love him?” He said and put a piece of meat to his mouth and started chewing loudly. _What?_ He mouthed but Arthur shook his head.

“You know, when you constantly talk about him and glance at him with every given opportunity it becomes kind of obvious. So have you two talked already?” Now Alexia spoke and he felt the heat and he only could imagine how pink his cheeks must be. He cleared his throat, glancing at the meal in front of him and speaking weakly, “Well no, he is missing school for the second week.” He admitted and pushed his fork into what looked like mashed potatoes.

“So? Just text or call him that you want to talk with him.” It was Daphné who spoke, but Lucas only shook his head, and added: "I don't have his number." He let out a groan and he saw a few facepalms from the gang, Yup he was that dumbass. Daphné then continued, "so go to his house." And smiled happily while she brought another fork full of salad to her lips. Again, Lucas shook his head, "I don't know where he lives." Yup, dumbass and now all members of the gang groaned.

"You are so worthless Lucas, how can this guy even like you?" Arthur says and pointed his fork towards him. And on that Lucas hung his head down. "I know what you can do." Imane smiled and Lucas raised his eyebrows, he listened and he had to admit her plan was solid. He thanked her and left the gang behind.

So the plan was the following:

 **Step number 1**. Go to the secretary office,

 **Step number 2.** Say you lost your phone and need Eliott's address,

 **Step number 3**. If they ask, you have to bring him homework but you don't know where he lives and you can't text him,

 **Step number 4.** Run to him

So here he was, he one more time checked the address on the note from the secretary. This was it, so he started walking towards the door. He took a deep breath and pushed the doorbell. He looked around the street, it was calm because everybody was either at school or at work. He heard the door opening so he turned around. He was met with 2 pairs of confused eyes. _Oh, you are not Eliott._ He thought.

"Yes?" Spoke the woman as she looked at Lucas and her eyes scanning him from the top of his head to his feet and back. He cleared his throat, and said, "Hi, um I got this address and I don't know if it is the right address. I am looking for a frie...classmate of mine. Eliott, Eliott Demaury? I'm Lucas. Lucas Lallemant." And he smiled, still unsure of this situation. Now the man scanned him and he exchanged a curious look with the woman. The man mouthed something, but the woman shook his head and he thought they will throw him out but the man opened the door more and invited Lucas inside. If it was a horror movie, he would be long gone, he thought. He knew there was no danger, at least he hoped. When he saw the family pictures at the wall, the woman, the man and Eliott in the middle he knew he is at the right place.

"Would you like anything? Coffee, tea, water?" The woman asked and moved so now they were in what looked like a dining room. He shook his head as he looked around. Both of them sat down behind the table that's been situated in the centrum of the room and he followed them, plopping opposite of them. 

"I'm sorry, we haven't introduced ourselves. I'm Christopher and this is Silvia. We are Eliott's parents." He pushed his hand to greet with Lucas and he shook it and mumbled _nice to meet you._ He was curious where Eliott's been because there was no sign of him.

"Lucas, we are happy that you came, but why?" Silvia asked with curiosity in his voice and face and Lucas let out a chuckle, well he could not tell them that he came here to pour his feeling to Eliott because his parents probably had no idea that he even exists. So he played it safe, "Well, I'm Eliott's classmate and I don't know if you are aware or no, but he skipped quite a few classes and I was scared something happened. Is he okay?" He watched how they relaxed and Lucas must have said something that helped them. This situation felt very weird and he wanted to know answers to all of his questions. He heard Silvia's soft _he cares._ He had no idea what that meant but said nothing.

"Thank you for coming, Lucas." Now Christopher was speaking and glancing from Silvia to Lucas and back, Silvia nodded her head and now it was his turn for speech, "Well, he is okay and not okay at the same time." he let out small sigh and Lucas did not get how he could be _okay and not okay_ , what does that mean, but Christopher continued, "Lucas, Eliott is sick. He's been sick for a while now. It should be him, but since...Well, he is bipolar." Christoper stopped and looked at him to see his reaction. Lucas felt sick, his stomach empty yet wanting to vomit, the ringing in his ears blocking his sense of hearing, his hand shaking and tears coming to his eyes. _Oh shit._ Now everything made sense. He did not say anything so Christopher cleared his throat and continued, "We found out almost 4 years ago, that is why he had to transfer schools. We thought it would help but it did not." His voice trembling, he saw how he also pushed tears aside.

"You know Lucas, he's been doing good. Sometimes he has his manic episodes and we can't do anything about it." Silvia continues and Lucas now remembers everything that Eliott had done.

"The fight at school, the fire on the football field, the demolition of the headmaster's office are..." and Silvia nodded with an agreement and continues, "yes, those were consequences of his manic episodes. He got so lost after that when he transferred schools he already was a misfit so it did not help. He had built around himself a wall, not letting anyone in not even us." She offered him a sad smile and yeah, Lucas definitely felt the tear coming down his left cheek.

"But something changed recently, he started talking, he even came out of his room and had dinner with us. He was so afraid he would hurt us, and he talked about lots of things, what we missed while he was hiding in his room and he also talked about school. He told us that you tutor him literature. That was nice that you said you'd help him." He swallowed hard, he wanted to tell them that he didn't want it at first, but he would not change a thing now. He started to understand a lot of things now, he understood Eliott more and more. But he still had no idea where he is, so he asked _Where is he now?_ And then both of them ducked their heads and looked into their laps, not wanting to meet his gaze. Something is going on.

It was Christopher again, "He had another manic episode during holidays. We knew something was wrong, he stopped taking his meds. When we confronted him, he got mad and left the house and stole neighbors' motorcycle and drove around the Paris naked and then run around naked in the Zoo. When he calmed down we asked him why and he said that he wanted the forget, but he did not tell us what. And since then he's been in his depressive episode. It's already been 2 weeks. It's the worst one he ever had." His voice so soft, yet so loud in Lucas's ears.

Lucas could not breathe, he needed to go for air. He stood and backed up. He motioned to doors and without saying goodbye he was out. Tears streaming down his face, his legs carrying him fast towards their apartment because he needed to be home, as in the _home._ _His bed_ , he needed to cry to his _pillow_ , cover himself with his _duvet_ and let his body rest on _his bed_. 

Everything seemed so small because he's been just so overwhelmed. He had no idea what to do next, fuck he had no idea how hard it had been on Eliott. He remembered the looks and whispers of others who made Eliott into this bad guy, but he was not. He was actually a normal person, but people made him into this freak and he hated everybody for it. Fuck, he even hated himself for thinking that Eliott's been this aggressive weirdo. He was just hurting on the inside and covered it. When he opened the doors, he went straight for the bathroom, he had to throw up. He hadn't eaten anything because he was too anxious, but even the little he had left made it's way out.

Feeling paralyzed he was glad he made it into his bed. The cold sheet covering his feverish body was everything he needed. He sank deep down and let his mind playback every moment he and Eliott shared. The tense stares, the sadness in his eyes, the hurt expressions. His sobbing was the only thing you could hear in the apartment but he did not care, he needed to let it out. He had no idea how, but he cried himself to sleep.

He woke up with a headache and confusion. It was already dark outside and his mind played for him the events of the day. He still could not believe that Eliott, was bipolar. He should have known when he told him about his mom. Oh fuck, he focused on the conversation and now the words appeared in his mind,

_I would kill to have a person in my life who cares about me as much as you care about your mom_

and he remembered Silvia's soft voice from the morning, _he cares._ His throat dry, no sound could escape it. He had to drink and maybe eat something, but how could he. He had to so much to think about, _did he care about Eliott?_ He tried to argue with himself, but the only option left was _yes, he cared_. He hated seeing him upset or sad, he remembered his smile so bright. He had to bring him back, not only for Lucas but also for his parents. They deserve their son, they should not be shut out as they've been. An Eliott deserves it, he deserves the world. Fuck he needs to know that he is worth it and he deserves to be loved. And maybe Lucas could be the person who will love him unconditionally.

He pushed the duvet aside, found his shoes on the floor and his phone on the bedside the table. He unlocked and found 3 missed calls and 1 text from Yann.

 **Yann:** I assume it went well Romeo, happy for you xx

 **Lucas:** No. I need your help. I'll be at yours in 30 min.

Was everything Lucas sent, he once more glanced around the apartment, locked the doors and started walking down the stairs into the coldness. It took him exactly 30 minutes and Yann was already waiting for him in front of the doors. His brows furiously joined together, but Lucas shook head and pointed to the doors. They walked inside, he greeted Yann's parents and made his way into their shared bedroom, he sat at the bed and Yann followed him. Now sitting side by side, Yann asked, "What happened?" and Lucas thought he would break, but he was stronger than ever and told him what he learned today.

"Fuck me." Was everything Yann said when Lucas ended his monologue. So now also Yann knew the truth, of course, he would keep it for himself because he swore on their brotherhood. Lucas lay on the bed and hummed in agreement. "So what now?" Yann asked and did the same.

"I need you to cover for me tomorrow." Lucas only said and Yann's head turned to meet Lucas's eyes, "tell the headmaster that I went to see my mom that she needed me, I don't know. But I have to go back, I need to see him and just be there for him. I know I have to." He said and Yann nodded in agreement. They lay there for some time until Yann's mom called them for dinner, so they went to the dining room and yeah, the only thing Lucas thought was how he needs to save Eliott.

The fact that he could not sleep was not new to him. He barely slept in the last two weeks anyway. He agreed that he'll pretend to go with Yann to school so his parents wouldn't have any suspicion but he'll go straight to Eliott's place, and so he did. 

The second day he found himself in front of the red door of Demaury's family house. He rang the bell and when the doors opened, Silvia was shocked to see him, maybe she thought she saw a ghost but without hesitation, she opened the door for him. He shuffled inside with his bags. Oh yeah, he stopped in the shop and brought some supplies and snacks of every kind since he had no idea what Eliott likes. 

"Why?" She asked when he put all the things down, but he only mumbled _because he deserves it_. And gave her a hug, so tight he felt how she sobbed. He knew this feeling, sitting on the edge. He knew it very well because he lived it with his mom. When she pulled away, she had tears in her eyes and softly said, "Christopher is already at work and I'm leaving in 5 minutes. Here, I'll write our numbers down so if you need anything just call us." He went to the kitchen to pick up a scrap of paper and pen and furiously wrote down numbers when she finished she handed it to him. He accepted and asked, "Where is he?" to which Silvia only pointed to the second door on the hall. He gave her one hug, picked the bags and made his way.

He knocked, but there was no response so he opened the door. He walked inside and put the things aside, he quickly closed the doors behind him and taken in sigh the darkness of the room. The blinds defended the room from light and the walls colored in some dark color didn't help, he saw some pictures taped to the wall, clothes on the ground. The desk under the window and a bed in the middle of the room. He saw the bundle of covers and he knew it was Eliott in his safe place. Lucas hesitated but cleared his throat.

"I already told you, mom, I don't need anything, you can just go to work." He mumbled and tried to bury his head even further into the covers.

"Sorry, no can do. I am not your mother." He said with a firm voice, hoping for Eliott to hear him, and he knew he did because the big mountain of covers slightly shifted and now Eliott's head's been poking out and looking to meet his eyes.

"Wha-Why are you here?" Not sure what to ask Eliott stuttered with the question but managed to ask it. Lucas hesitated but came closer to the bed and said softly, "well you've been missing quite a few classes so I thought I should check up on you if you are not dead. Yay, you are alive." He tried to be happy and he squeaked a little bit, but Eliott only turned around and groaned.

"Not dead, you can leave now." _So this is how you'll going to play, okay challenge accepted._ Lucas thought and cleared his throat again, "What?" The cold sharp voice and the icy gaze fixed again at him and he was not afraid, he knew now better that he is only pretending to be this dangerous macho, but inside he is scared, lonely boy.

"You know, I also may have gone overboard with my shopping." He pointed to the ground to where the shopping bags were resting when he saw Eliott's glance at the ground he took it as a victory, "did you know there are already 6 different chocolate brands which claim to taste like salted caramel? I need to find a winner." He smiled and ducked down to search into the bag, Eliott's gaze still following his movements. "Ah here they are, look 6. How?" he smiled. Eliott shifted on the bed, but not to hide but to pop out from the covers more, another sign of victory.

"Oh, and I have this." He put the chocolates aside and took down his backpack and pulled out his laptop. "What do you say about some good old binge watch? You can choose a TV show." He looked at Eliott and saw the iciness breaking, _he had him,_ he knew he could do it, he already saw the breaking of the ice in his eyes so he needed to continue to warm his soul and he was ready to do it.

"Friends," Eliott said and Lucas almost squeaked again, now from the surprise that Eliott was actually willing to cooperate. It will be a long battle, but he'll manage. "May I, sir. Lucas Lallemant join your highness, king Eliott Demaury on your king-sized bed?" He even bowed in front of Eliott and he swears he heard a small chuckle, so he glanced up and he saw how Eliott moved to the side making space for Lucas on the right side of the bed. _Victory_ his mind sang but, he pushed the thought away because this was only one battle he won, in order to win overall he needs to win the war, and when he wanted to do something he could do it.

He sat next to Eliott, placing the laptop in the middle of them, "oh I forgot the snacks, hold on." And stood to take them back closer to the bed. When plopping back again, he started to unpack his shopping, he saw the wide expression of Eliott's face so Lucas shrugged his shoulders and just said, "I had no idea what you liked so I had to bring everything." He smiled and looked at Eliott, the softness he missed returned into his features. It is working.

"What is that?" He heard suddenly when he pulled a flour from the bag, "you want me to eat flour?" He asked with wide eyes and Lucas laughed but said "No you silly, that is for later. We are baking today. I'll show you my baking skills and I'll teach you my secret chocolate chip cookies recipe, but I swear if you tell it to someone I'll have to kill you." He said with a strict face and yes, there it was the smile. Still not quite there but it was better than nothing.

They settled on the pillows and the episodes just started rolling, one by one. None of the boys saying anything just soft laughs and chuckles escaping their mouths. It was almost peaceful, it was way too natural that Lucas almost forgot that the boy next to him was in a depression just yesterday and thought that his life has no meaning. He was here to prove him wrong.

After 2 hours of lying in a bed, Lucas asked a question he was way too anxious to ask, "Eliott, do you mind if I open the blinds?" Eliott blinked but nodded in agreement. And Lucas with one swift movement and a couple of steps was beside the table and pulling the blinds open. There was not much of a difference since it was January and the sun was nowhere to be seen but still it was brighter day and he was happy that Eliott let the light into his room, maybe he was willing to let some light into his heart.

He wanted to go back to bed, but he stopped as he saw the drawings. The raccoon. He remembered, his spirit animal. Eliott, drawing himself in different scenarios. On all of them sad, crying, hiding, just not being happy. And then one of the drawings caught his attention. It was buried under some papers but he saw it, it was the same paper and the same raccoon, he remembered the drawing. It was the one he was drawing when he asked about it. He pushed the papers away and next to it there was no blob anymore, there was a hedgehog smiling next to the raccoon. He glanced over it and looked at Eliott who was smiling on the screen while chewing on a potato chip. _Am I the hedgehog?_ He asked himself, weird feeling in his stomach, _yup those are butterflies. You are so in love it shows._ He needed to silence his mind somehow. He shuffled back to the bed, not lying in it but sitting. Eliott paused the episode and looked at Lucas.

"So Mr. Demaury, are you ready to help me, the world's best-known baker of the best chocolate chip cookies?" He said and pointed to the last bag full of supplies for the baking. He saw Eliott tense a little bit, but then he nodded. He stood up and then they both made their way to the kitchen.

Lucas quickly prepared all the ingredients and they started the process. Eliott was on mixing duty and Lucas on chopping since in the shop they hadn't had chocolate chips, _how dare they,_ so he had to buy whole chocolate. They worked in silence so Lucas disturbed it because he wanted to and he needed to, "you know baking helps me relax, sometimes I just stress bake." He said and looked where Eliott's been sitting on the kitchen counter. He really was a big baby. "Hmm, I like to draw, it helps me to keep my mind straight." And wow, Lucas was shocked, it was the most words he heard from his since he came.

"Yeah I noticed, you have talent." He admitted and maybe, just maybe he saw a hint of pink on the older boy's cheeks. "I didn't know you liked baking." He said and looked at Lucas who did not break eye contact, biting his lower lip he said, "there is a lot of things you don't know about me." Eliott let out a small chuckle and word _Same_.

"Tell me something about you then." Lucas dared and Eliott shifted. He was done mixing the butter and sugar so now he went for the egg and flour. "Not sure what you want to know." He turned so Lucas was facing his back, _okay ease it up, you are losing him, don't push too much._ "Anything." and Eliott turned back to face him.

"Okay, remember when you asked about my tattoo." He pointed to the visible butterfly tattoo on his forearm, and Lucas nodded, "well I want to tell you the meaning." But Lucas shook his head in disagreement. "You said, there are questions that you should not ask people with tattoos." He still remembers the conversation, and how it hurt when Eliott pushed him away. 

"But you did not ask, I want to tell it to you." He was now mixing the flour into the dought and Lucas was done preheating the oven and he was now cutting the baking sheet. 

"You know, I was always fascinated by the concept of metamorphosis," he looked at Lucas and when he met his eyes he continued, "when something so ugly as caterpillar could turn into the lovely butterfly. I always hoped it could happen to me too, but then it never did. But something else did." He took a deep breath and continued, "Do you know what is the butterfly effect?" He asked and Lucas was confused, "You mean the movie?" And now Eliott was the one who was laughing, he shook his head "Kinda, but no, The movie was good at least the first one. Well, the concept of it is scientific, but actually the meaning is easy. It is chaos theory. Scientific believes that every small change you do or the decision you make can change the outcome and it can lead to bigger disasters in the world. The theory goes, _if a butterfly flaps its wings in Chicago, a tornado occurs in Tokyo_. So you know this small creature can do some serious damage. Sometimes I feel I am the center of this theory, that everything I do only does bigger damage and no good." He said and swallowed hard, his Adam's apple going up and down. Lucas felt shocked, he had no idea about this. He felt so sorry for the boy in front of him, he had to help him, but how.

"Won't you regret it someday? I mean the tattoos?" Lucas followed not really thinking about his question, and Eliott chuckles, "yeah, so that is one of the questions you should never ask a person with tattoos." He smiled and came closer to Lucas, so he mumbled _Sorry, forger about it._

"Nah it's cool. I guess not? I mean people sooner or later regret their tattoos but I think I'll never do it. I have them for reasons, you know? Mostly memories of places I've been, things I've done or events that have happened to me. So whenever I look at them, I have something to remember." And he finished. Now Lucas was thinking, he wanted to know the story of all Eliott's tattoos, he wanted to understand him and know him for who he really was.

He zoomed out so Eliott took the opportunity and threw a handful of flour on him. He blinked to come back, he looked down and saw the damage. "So you want to food fight?" The smirk played on his lips, "Bring it on Demaury." They started throwing flour and sugar, around he even spared a handful of chocolate and Eliott threw eggs. It was a disaster, but a good disaster because Eliott was smiling, still not the bright smile he was hoping for but he was on the right way.

"I think we should finish the cookies." Lucas pointed to the batch of dough resting on the counter. They stopped the war and looked on the damage, well it could wait the cookies are more important. They made 18 small balls and in no time they pulled out of the oven 18 perfectly chewy soft chocolate chip cookies. Lucas was so proud that the recipe worked. They set them aside. While they were waiting for Eliott suggested they should clean up and maybe take a shower. Lucas agreed and left Eliott to go as first since it was his house.

As Eliott was taking the shower, he took photos of both the kitchen that was a complete disaster and a photo of cookies. He sent the cookies to Silvia with the text _made by your son_ and the photo of the kitchen to Yann with the text _making progress._ The response from Yann came immediately and it was only three emojis of thrumbs up.

When Lucas finished his shower, the spare clothes were waiting for him. He smiled because they were too big, but did not mind it. He loved how he could bundle in it and it made him warm inside. They took a plate full of cookies back to Eliott's room and continued with Friends binge-watching. They were near the end of the first season when Lucas spoke again.

"I saw your drawings." And he pointed to the desk by the window. Eliott only hummed in response and continued watching the screen, so Lucas continued, "I saw one with a raccoon and hedgehog." Now, Eliott shifted and his eyes looked at Lucas.

"Eliott, am I the hedgehog?" His expression softening but Eliott becoming again sharper, _you pushed him back._ The older boy let out a breath he's been holding on for a while and said, "Yeah. I thought about it and...and my raccoon was lonely so I draw him a friend, a company."

Lucas froze on the spot, not daring to inhale or move, his body tensing _a friend, a company, a friend, a company, a friend, that's all you are to him, a friend._ Could Eliott hear it? The breaking of Lucas's heart, how it shattered piece by piece because Lucas certainly did hear and feel it, the known numbness returning to his body. _Act cool, don't let him know, he is still your friend, you have to help him._

So even if it hurt, because Lucas wanted to be more, he had to forget about his heart and feelings he had to save Eliott even if it meant not to have him for himself. So he found the screen with his eyes and with an almost broken voice he said: "I'm glad he has a friend." He could feel Eliott's eyes on his body, but he did not want to look up because he was at the edge of complete breakdown, if he looked up he would start to cry and he needed to be strong, _he had to be strong_.

So they continued their watching in silence. Lucas slowly but surely falling asleep.

He had no idea when he dozed off, but he knew it was the best sleep he had in the last couple of days, months or even years. He actually doesn't know when it was the last time he slept like this. He woke up with a strange feeling because his head was going up and down in regular rhythm, and something soft yet hard was under his head and he noticed that something was under his back, wrapping around his body. He slowly opened his eyes to take in notice the different surroundings. It was not his room in their apartment, it was not Yann's bedroom. He looked around and when he looked to his left, he met Eliott's face. His peaceful expression, he was still fast asleep and Lucas swore that he looked like an angel, even with his piercings. His hair slightly smushed down on his forehead, his eyes softly closed and his lips forming a smile. Lucas also noticed that his head was placed on Eliott's chest and it was, in fact, Eliott's hand wrapped around the younger boy's body. 

Shit, no I can't do this. Lucas started to panic. How he was supposed to be only friends with him. With this boy who in the last couple of months made him feel special without even trying, with this boy who was too broken and too scared of himself that he rather shut everything and everybody out. He could not do it because he knew he felt more for him and maybe he was selfish but he could not be there for Eliott like Eliott wanted to have him. No, Lucas needed more, he wanted to have him for himself whole as he was, with his flaws and imperfections. He did not want to be his friend, he wanted to be his boyfriend, soulmate, lover but _friend?_ No, he'd rather lose Eliott than to have him as _a friend._

And so he freed himself from Eliott's grip, the older boy winced at the sudden emptiness but Lucas ignored it, he had to. He took all his stuff and quiet as a mouse he left the room. He glanced at his phone to check the time, ignoring the messages and missed calls, and shit it was 11 am of the next day. He has been asleep for a long time and he missed yet another day of school. He still ignored every notification he had on his phone.

He once more glanced towards Eliott's bedroom and left the house. He started walking, he needed to clear his head but still, he did not want to be alone so he went to the hospital to see his mom. 

"What are you doing here sweetheart? Shouldn't you be in school?" She asked when she saw him, but she ran to greet him with the biggest and longest hug and he finally relaxed and mumbled _Yeah_ into her neck.

She looked at him, and now Lucas could feel the tears in his eyes, she took him by the hand to the bed and both lied down. She let him sob and slowly rushed her hand through his hair, and kissed the top of his head and forehead.

"What's the matter, baby?" she whispered the question and Lucas crying started to settle down. He took a deep breath and his voice hesitated but spoke, "I think I'm in love." He looked at her, he was expecting confusion, maybe anger, but he was met with the softest eyes and calm smile, "tell me everything." She encouraged him and so he told her, he told her about Eliott and their journey together, his struggles and Lucas's willingness to help him. He told her how he thinks about him when he falls asleep and how he thinks about him when he wakes up because he is the only one who is on his mind lately, he told her about his butterflies in his stomach when he looks at him, touches him or even glances at him. He tells her that since Yann told him whether he can imagine what would he do if Eliott was in love with someone else, he can't do it because he is the only one who he sees on Eliott's side. He imagines how he hushes him to sleep on bad days and kisses his pain away, he imagines how he plays with his hair on lazy Sunday morning or how he imagines the taste of his lips, he does not tell her the last one but he still imagines it.

After what seems like forever he finishes his speech about Eliott, his breath now catches regular rhythm and Lucas's gaze rests on his mother's face. "I am so sorry I hadn't been there for you while this was happening," she gave a reassuring squeeze to his hand, fighting her own tears, yet continuing her speech, "but I have to agree with Yann. You have to tell him how you feel, as soon as possible. Now you are only hurting yourself and soon you'll destroy yourself from inside, you need to let it out or you'll choke on your own thoughts and you'll slowly burn out and hurt people around you and you'll hurt yourself too." And with those words, both were crying. His mom knew the best because she's been suffering but never gave a sign and slowly crushed down, and Lucas was doing the same. So yeah, maybe he needed to let it out, let Eliott know and be done with him, because he sees him only as a friend.

He spent there 2 more hours mopping around and just trying to enjoy his mom's company because he really missed her and he was ready to have her at home. After he left her, he checked his phone, more messages from Yann, the mood changing from supporting to confusing to worrying and he really was the best of the best friends out there.

He found himself walking inside their shared bedroom in less than an hour. Yann quickly glancing and standing up from his desk, coming closer to him and putting his hand on Lucas's shoulder.

"Never do this again, I haven't heard from you in more than 24 hours, I was kinda worried, so were my parents." He pulled him into his warm embrace. They stood like that for a few more seconds and then Yann looked into Lucas's glossy eyes and mumbled _Not good?_ And Lucas nodded in agreement and just plopped down on the floor in the middle of the room, he knew he was a wreck but he did not care, he just had to survive it somehow, he saw Yann's question forming in his eyes so he only shook his head and once again in that day he started explaining the events of the last two days.

"Tomorrow," he started the last sentence of his speech, "I'm telling him tomorrow so I can be done with him." He glanced at Yann but he shook his head and spoke "No, you don't know that. Maybe he is not done with you." He offered him a half-smile but Lucas laughed, "trust me, he is because he sees me only as a _friend._ " The word had a bitter taste in Lucas's mouth and with that, the discussion about Eliott ended.

Lucas made his mind up, he did not want to suffer inside anymore and he did not want to see his friends suffer because of him. And Eliott, well he won't suffer because he sees him only as a friend so there won't be anything to regret from his side. They finished their night routine, taking turns in the shower, cleaning their teeth and just rambling _goodnight, see ya in the morning_ and they went to sleep. Well, Yann did, Lucas could not sleep yet again. He rotated on the bed for 2 hours straight so he just stared into his phone finding some information, watching pranks on youtube, reading some articles and just occupying his mind in different ways, because he definitely did not want to think about Eliott, but as soon as he imagined how he woke up in the morning, with Eliott's body pressed next to his with that angelic face, he drifted to sleep in no time. 

Lucas woke up on Thursday morning of the sound of his phone buzzing, he had a new message. He unlocked his phone and there was a message from Silvia. He blinked as he read it for 3rd time,

 **Mrs. Demaury:** Thanks for bringing our boy back

and he was shocked, so maybe he helped Eliott at least with his family. He groaned and rolled on his bed, _yeah so today is the day._ He got up and shuffled to the bathroom to make himself presentable for today.

The history repeats itself, Lucas thought for himself when the new day arrived and he and Yann walked on the corridors of their school. He's been searching for Eliott but he was nowhere, he hadn't attended their literature class ho Lucas knew that he just skipped school again. He thought Eliott was coming because he had the text from his mom, but he must have been mistaken. It was already their lunch break and he found himself surrounded by the whole gang. He looked down on his plate and saw what maybe once looked like spaghetti, and started to poke the mountain of the red blob from different directions.

"Okay, so what is going on now, I thought you and your loverboy were together." Artur made the remark which brought Lucas back to reality, his eyes slowly traveled up from his food and he saw that everybody was looking at him, he groaned and pushed himself into the back of the chair. "Honestly Lucas, you can't just go around mopping and being this little puppy." Alexia, whose been sitting on his right side, reached for his hand and squeezed it. 

"It's not that easy since he is not going to school." He looked at her and now Baslie cleared his throat, his mouth full of the spaghetti but that did not stop him from speaking "You know his address so you could go and see him. It worked the first time." He smiled, again with spaghetti in his mouth and some of it was sticking out and Lucas felt a little bit sick from it. Lucas shook his head and just said, "Nah, not happening I just have to wait until he comes to school I can't go back there." And he gave them all sad smile, they took the hint so all of them went back to their chit-chatting or eating.

"What do you want to do after school? It feels like forever since we've been skating." Lucas spoke and turned his attention to Yann, who was confused. "I thought you have a tutoring lesson. It's Thursday." Yann said and Lucas honestly laughed, "Yeah mate, not happening. He is not here so I doubt he'll show up for that." and with that, he took the first bite of the food on his plate, yup it tasted worse than it looked.

"You never know, maybe he'll show up." He gave him a reassuring glance and added, "and I can't I have something to do." And Lucas shrugged his shoulders. Well, he'll manage on his own than.

Lucas one more time glanced at the text from Yann

 **Yann** : ffs just go to the library for the tutoring lesson, don't be a dumbass

And so here he was, behind the same table they used to sit. It's been so long since they had their last lesson here. He glanced at the clock on the wall which showed 4:07 pm. _Yup Eliott is not coming,_ he thought and shifted in his seat. With a long groan, he pushed himself up to pack his stuff. He turned his back and therefore he did not hear that somebody sat down. When he turned he met Eliott's eyes and almost felt down back to his seat.

"You know," Eliott's voice echoing in the silence that has been surrounding him, "your friends are quite determined. If they want something they have to have it." He pointed to the group of people and now Lucas saw all of his friends standing near the doors with wide grins. _What is going on?_ Another thought but he was too busy looking at Eliott because he was here, and he was smiling.

"What is going on?" He had to ask because he really was confused and needed some answers, Eliott shifted in his seat and pointed to the seat next to his for Lucas to sit down, so he did while Eliott's gaze following his movements. He smiled when he sat down and spoke, "your friends showed up at my house. My parents have never seen so many people at our house so it took them by surprise." His gaze traveling between the group of people and Lucas, but settling on Lucas wide expression, "they came and told me that you need to speak with me and that they are not leaving until I quote _pick up my lazy ass from where it is sitting and go to you or we are going to kidnap you_. So I had no choice." He smiled with his eyes, and Lucas started regretting his friendship with the group, his angry look found the group who pretended not to stare at them but failed miserably.

"Sorry, they are quite a handful." His gaze ended in his lap, not daring to meet Eliott's eyes but he was taken back by surprise when Eliott's hand found him and he suddenly was looking in the warmth of his eyes, "so what did you want to tell me?" His intense stare once scared Lucas, but now he only saw fondness not danger.

"I..I just..Well," he was looking for the right words but it seemed that his mind only could scream Eliott, so he had to really focus, "I just. I am sorry. This is so new to me." He pulled his hands from Eliott's and he saw how the older boy winced. He saw a few shocked expressions from his friends, but when he met Yann's eyes, he only nodded towards Eliott's body and mumbled _you've got this._ And yeah Lucas could do this.

"You know, I made a research about butterflies, and I found very interesting facts." He spoke suddenly and the confusion in Eliott's eyes was real, but then he followed, "you said that the metamorphosis is fascinated and I agree, but did you know that when they are transformed most of the butterflies live a maximum of 4 weeks? What a short life. I don't think you would like that." He tried to make sense what he wanted to say and the confusion in Eliott's eyes was even bigger, "Okay, so this is what you wanted to tell me?" And no, Lucas knew what he wanted to say his mind tracing different routs how to save this, _Come on Lucas you know what you want to say, just do it._

"Not really. There is also another fact. Did you know that we see these butterflies and we think _Oh, what a beautiful creature,_ their wings with different colors and patterns and yeah for us they are beautiful but the thing is that they actually can't see their wings so they actually don't know how beautiful they are and yeah, I think about you like this butterfly because you are so beautiful in your own way that you don't see it, and I would like to show you how freaking amazing you are because I...I like you." He stared into Eliott's eyes with intensity and when there was no response he wanted to add something but then Eliott reached for Lucas's face and in the following second, his face was closer, his eyes looking at Lucas's lips and he just whispered _Can I kiss you?,_ and well Lucas lost it because a small moan escaped his lips and he just slightly nodded and Eliot brought their lips together and they were kissing. Just softly, but yeah those butterflies in his stomach were real, his thought flying around his mind but he shut them down because he focused what was happening, he was sitting next to Eliott, who's been kissing him. His large hand going to the nape of his neck to bring him closer and Lucas was melting, _Was it possible for a human to melt?_ And then they pulled apart because the group that was standing just a few steps from them whistled and clapped so loudly that the librarian had to shush them with words _Silence, you are in the library_. 

And both Lucas and Eliott laughed and kissed more. Yeah, he knew this is what he was missing.

When they pulled apart to breathe, but still touching with their foreheads, Lucas let out a shaky breath and told, "so I take it that you like me too?" And Eliott just laughed and a bright smile appeared on his lips and said, "You could say that." He smiled and stood up, he held hand for Lucas and when they left the library they were holding hands, the gang was nowhere to be seen so they probably left, but they left with knowing that Eliott liked Lucas back, and he liked that idea. 

When hand in a hand they emerged on the school ground Eliott smiled and started talking, "I actually liked you for a while now." He looked down on Lucas and he was sure that he was bright as a tomato but he nodded and told him, "Me too." and on that Eliott stopped and Lucas got confused. Eliott sat down on the nearest bench and brought Lucas down so he was sitting in his lap and his eyes meeting.

"No. When I said while I meant since I got here. When I transferred, I felt lost and then I saw you just smiling walking around with your friends and enjoying yourself. I wished that one day maybe we could talk and I could get to know you. But then I had my episodes and I just got afraid and I tried to forget about it." He swallowed hard and Lucas was in shock, this boy liked him since the beginning, but Eliott was not done and continued, "I was almost done and I was supposed to never see you again and then my episode happened and I found myself here again. And when you started tutoring me I felt something shift inside me because deep down I still wanted to know you, but I pushed you away and I got scared and then you came back, so I thought maybe there was something but then you pushed me away and I just felt miserable. I stopped taking my meds because my mania helped me forget about the real world, and in real-world you were there, and you were my world so I had to forget and risk everything." The tears now falling down on both, Lucas's and Elliot's cheeks.

"And then you came back and you cared. I wanted to just burst out of happiness, but the next morning you were gone and I thought you did not want this. You did not want me." He pointed between them to show on their newly formed relationship and Lucas shook his head and protested, "No, I want this. I want you whole with everything that you are willing to give me and I want us. I need it. You are everything to me." He leaned down and captured his lips with his own. Lucas suddenly pulled away and asked, "when did you push me away?" now confused to proceed every moment they shared in the last 5 months. Eliott shifted and Lucas almost felt down, but Eliott caught him and steadied him, wrapping his arms around him.

"When I punched Samuel. I thought I messed it up between us, but you still came, and then when I hushed you down when you asked about my tattoos." He put his forehead on Lucas's chin to rest there, and now he remembered, well they already talked about why he missed their lesson right after their talk about tattoos, it had nothing to do with Eliott, but yeah he remembered he was afraid of Eliott after he had beaten up Samuel and now he found himself asking, "Why did you beat him anyway? You never told me." His hand reaching for Eliott's chin and bringing it up so they were face to face.

"He was making fun of you and your friend, the one with the glasses, and talked shit about you being gay. I just had to protect you." He gave him sad smile and yeah, Lucas felt shocked but relieved and he saw that Eliott cared about him too. He just wrapped himself into the tight hug that they shared and brought back their lips together again, his mind screaming _I love you_ , but he could not yet tell him those words, it was still so fresh and raw but he knew that one day Eliott will hear those words because they were together and that was all that mattered now.

Fast forward one month later, his mom was coming home and they shared dinner. It was only the three of them, his mom, Lucas, and his boyfriend, Eliott. He loved how easy it was to say, _my boyfriend_ , it's been a wild month but probably the best month of his whole life. They exchanged thousands of kisses sneaked around the school, shared secrets and desires about their lives and just got to know each other more. 

The following month one Sunday morning, after one of their many sleepovers, when they were lazily lying in bed, their feet playing with each other and chased kisses were exchanged Lucas said those words _I love you_ , he's been holding them inside him for so long and he just said them and he meant it. He was not scared to face Eliott because he knew he felt the same and he was sure because he was met with the fondness and Eliott's respond, _me too,_ _I love you so much._ And he knew this was where he was meant to be for the rest of his life.

Four months since they started dating Eliott had an episode. Lucas was okay with it, he was scared that Eliott will hurt himself but he was safe and sound in his bed resting. Lucas already studied every article online to help him understand he read what he should do and he was there for him, in better or in the worse and he knew they will be okay.

The fifth month anniversary of dating was celebrated with books because their bac was coming up and they had to study, and it was worth it because two weeks after that they successfully walked out of the school hand in hand, wide smiled and full of accomplishment because they both graduated and yeah life was beautiful.

And now here they are, one year after they started dating and still madly in love as at the beginning. It was Lucas's idea actually but Eliott agreed because he knew he wanted it too. They stepped inside a dark shop. The art around the walls was magnificent, maybe Lucas was scared just a little bit but he had Eliott by his side and that was all that mattered. The person behind the counter welcomed them and smiled.

"Welcome, what can I do for you?" The lady smiled and got a better view of them. Lucas returned the smile and with calmness said, "Well, we would like to get some tattoos." And he felt the wet kiss on his cheek from Eliott. She took one glance between them and smiled even brighter, "Perfect, would you like to see some designs or do you have your own?" She pointed to the files, which were probably filled with different drawings and both of them shook their heads and Eliott said, "We have our own." She nodded in agreement and gave them forms to fill out, just their basic information.

They finished at the same time and handed it back, and then she continued, "So show me the design and we can get right into it." And Eliott fished out of his bag two pictures which he drew yesterday. He pointed to one picture and said, "I want this one, and he," which referred to Lucas, "wants this one." and Eliott pointed to the second picture. She smiled, admired the drawings and even complimented how lovely they were and she took them to the back to copy them on the sheet of paper which would then transfer the drawings onto their skin.

"Are you sure?" Eliott asked Lucas while they were waiting. Lucas only nodded and added "as you once said, tattoos are reminders. I want to remember this, I want to remember you, I want to remember us." And he came closer to his boyfriend and gave him a kiss.

"You can follow me this way." She interrupted them and they did as they were told. When they went inside a room with a chair, colors and tattoo machine it became real, it is happening. "So who is going first?" She asked and Eliott moved closer to her, "Awesome, and do you know where the bad boy is going to be?" He asked about the placement of the tattoo and he smiled and said, "over my hear where he belongs." And he heard the _aww_ from the lady and he smiled shyly.

The tattoo wasn't big so Eliot was done in a maximum of 15 minutes but he hadn't seen it yet, they wanted to see it finished together so it was Lucas's turn to hop on the chair. The lady asked, "the same place?" And he only nodded in agreement. 

She copied the drawing on his skin, took the cream went over the soon to be a tattoo and gave him a warning that she'll do the first line so he could get used to it. Eliott was on his right side holding his head and kissing him on the top of the head saying he got that.

It did not hurt, it was just new experience but it did not hurt and he got used to the needle quickly. His tattoo was also not big so she did a good job and again was done in a maximum of 20 minutes. She smiled as he put the tattooing gun away and stripped out of her gloves. She said _all done_ and pointed to the mirror for both of the boys to take a look.

They interweaved their fingers and walked to the big mirror. They counted to three and then looked at their tattoos on their chests. The bright smiles played on their faces as they admired their tattoos.

On Eliott's chest over his heart was a smile hedgehog with the tiny smile and holding above his head half of a heart and on Lucas's chest over his heart was a small raccoon with a playful smile and also holding half of a heart over his head. Their hearts fit together, just like Eliott fit with Lucas. Their drawings matched because they were done in Eliott's drawing and their spirit animals matched because Eliott was the raccoon to Lucas's hedgehog. And they were tattooed on their bodies forever and they were done over their hearts because that's where they belong, and they knew they belong together forever.

**Author's Note:**

> If you finished it, thank you so much, hope you liked it.
> 
> One fun fact about this fiction is that Eliott’s piercings and the butterfly tattoo are based on myself, and the reason and Lucas interesting facts that I described in the story are basically reasons why I have my butterfly tattoo, but mine is with broken wings so it has also different interpretation but yeah I love the concept of chaos theory, even I was happy that they had it in OG SKAM since I already had my tattoo and I like the idea that we are just like butterflies because we don’t see how unique we are, we only care about what other people think about us so remember you are beautiful unique butterfly. take care of each other ♥


End file.
